Battle of the Bulge...

2004-02-22T16:13:00.000-06:00

In all that I have found
Your evidence abounds
I've always sensed Your fingerprints
If I just look around
And yet this grand display
Will all soon pass away
So I hold onto the mighty truth
That Your love is here to stay

The love of the Lord endures
The love of the Lord endures
If there's one thing I can be sure
It's that the love of the Lord endures

Life has let me down
In wealth joy, can't be found
I've looked for peace in all of these
But I have always found

The love of the Lord endures
The love of the Lord endures
If there's one thing I can be sure
The love of the Lord endures

When I stumble, when I fall
When I'm walking ten feet tall
Your love is there day after day
Even at the worst extreme
Or after I have been redeemed
Your love is there
And it won't let me go

The love of the Lord endures
The love of the Lord endures
If there's one thing I can be sure
It's that the love of the Lord endures

The love of the Lord endures

Forever, Forever

Joy Williams - The Love Of The Lord Endures

2003-10-05T23:11:00.000-05:00

Okay...so I'm doing better now. My last post was out of bitterness. At the time I was struggling with rejection and hurt from several past relationships and I couldn't understand why I always seem to get burned. Was God teaching me a lesson or putting an end to what might have been ten times worse? Well, anywho...admitting that I was harboring anger and asking for forgiveness does wonders. Also, close friends that do nothing but encourage me even when I see myself as unworthy of anything. God has blessed me with caring friends and many situations to show His love for me. So many things that I have heard this semester have seemed directed toward me. In church, we are starting to go through 2 Corintians. Today we only worked on the first few verses of chapter one and there were two verses that stuck out to me...

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4)

There have been so many things that I have gone through and am dealing with...this gave me the reassurance that God has had a reason in everything that's happened. He will be here always to comfort me and He understands everything. At the same time, my experiences and pain will help me later in life to understand and comfort others around me when they are struggling.

So all said and done, I'm getting towards contentment. I am happy with it just being me and God. I love hanging out with the guys and not feeling pressure to pair up, which is kinda hard sometimes when it seems like everyone and their dog have a significant other. The desire is there, but I know that God has a lot more work to do with me and I can serve Him best if I can focus on Him and not a guy. I need to work on spending more time in God's word and in prayer, not trying to impress someone. Cheers to wet hair, no makeup, jeans, tee shirts, and flip-flops...God loves me that way and that's all I should care about.

2003-09-21T01:10:00.000-05:00

*Why?

*Why does a guy feel like he has to be the center of attention all of the time?
*Whatever happened to humility and maturity?

*Why does a guy one minute want you to specifically schedule time for him and then call you on his way to hang out at a friend's house 'cause he's just as bored as you are as you sit all alone?
*Whatever happened to practicing what you preach?

*Why does a guy mention that he'd love for you to call once in a while just to say hi and then soon after find it a burden to call you?
*Whatever happened to avoiding double standards?

*Why does a guy think that you go out on a date with them to use them as a means to eating out at a specific restaurant?
*Whatever happened to going out to spend time together no matter where it is?

*Why does a guy tell you that you've been placed on a pedistol in his mind, and then do a 360 and you become just another person to pass him in his life who can be forgotten?
*Whatever happened to being consistently truthful?

*Why does a guy say he'll call back in a week and it turns into a month and a half?
*What ever happened to being a man of his word?

*Why does a guy say he cares and then allows you to walk away without trying to say goodbye?
*Whatever happened to being best friends for two years?

*Why does a guy fail to ever get the picture and be perfectly oblivious to his hurtful actions?
*Whatever happend to being observant and compassionate?

*Why does a guy suggest that you dress too modestly sometimes?
*Whatever happened to christian brotherly/sisterly love?

*Why does a guy say he's dying to spend time with and see your smile only to seem more interested in everything (everyone) else when you finally agree to make the three hour drive?
*Whatever happened to common courtesy?

*Why does a guy avoid serious relationship conversations like the plague?
*Whatever happened to brutal honesty time?

*Why?

*Why do these things still hurt so much?
*Why did God allow it all to happen like this?
*Why do I keep setting myself up for pain?
*Why do I waste these tears?
*Why do I seem to fail at having total faith in Him?
*Why do I question God?

2003-09-05T23:58:00.000-05:00

Bounce, bounce back
Shake it off, get right on track
I'm moving on
Gotta put it in the past
Bounce, bounce back
Snap your fingers and just like that
I let it go
Gotta let it fade to black
Like a river
Cry all my tears
I have to spin through it
Dry it off, I'm outta here
Bounce, bounce back
Shake it off, I'm right on track
I'll be moving on

Stacie Orrico - Bounce Back

2003-08-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

Sitting here in the soft lighting of my room just listening to the soothing voice of Nat King Cole and the sun setting defiantly on the horizon, I wish this could last forever. The simple satisfaction of knowing that little things like this can make me content...just me and God...no body else. And yet as I sit here in this moment, I wonder why I am still longing for more. Why am I looking for someone to fill this void? I've learned the hard way that no one on earth is really capable of making my life complete, especially without God there. In my head, I know that God is all that I need and He will never let me down, and still my heart longs for someone...it's like I'm just asking to get hurt again. As I continue to pursue things selfishly, I just end up getting hurt. Why haven't I learned my lesson? When will God decide that I am ready? I don't feel like I am and yet I can't accept it. I try to hard to be friends with everyone, but things always get messed up and then get weird. Okay, time to focus on God, follow his leading, and forget my selfish desires. No more excuses for me...

2003-08-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

ATTENTION:

***Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, Missouri or Nebraska those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways—Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home...ASAP!

2003-08-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

I Promise

Lord, You know my heart
And all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell.
Lord, You know them well.
Though I may be young,
I see and understand
That at times, like sheep, we go astray
And things get out of hand.

So I promise to be true to You,
To live my life in purity
As unto You, waiting for the day
When I hear You say,
"Here is the one I have created
Just for you."

Until then, O Lord
I will be content
Knowing that true love will come someday.
It will only come from You.
'Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause.

So I promise to be true to You,
To live my life in purity
As unto You, waiting for the day
When I hear You say,
"Here is the one I have created
Just for you."

Written by Johnny Ramirez, Jaci Velasquez

2003-07-31T23:48:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a summer. I am so glad to be able to come home and enjoy my family, but yet I am so ready to go back to LU. I've been waitressing most of the summer...what an experience. This job has been very interesting and I've enjoyed talking to all of the truckers and people traveling on the interstate. There have been a few that know of Longview and even R.G. LeTourneau.

One thing that I'm disappointed about is my lack of courage to share the gospel with co-workers. Most of the employees there are in the rougher crowd...lost and living for themselves. One cook asked me one night why I was so different from the other waitresses, why I smiled so much, and why I didn't ever yell at them. It was the perfect opportunity to share my faith and yet I froze and couldn't do it. Am I that weak and that much of a coward that I can't even talk to someone about God? I feel so guilty about that and even though I know that God has forgiven me, I hope so much that I get a chance again to share my beliefs.

So besides work, I haven't done too much. Our family corn maze has taken up a lot of time. It took several full days to hoe out the 9 acres of maze and a lot of time to get everything set up. Now it just requires setting things up each day that we are open and making sure that things are ready to go before i take off for work waitressing. I've also been doing some painting around the farm along with daily chores and farm projects. Just a lot of stuff to keep me out of trouble. =)

Here's my only excitement for the summer. I finally got a car! I'm really excited...it's a burgundy 2-door '95 Buick Regal. It's so nice not to have to ask for permission to take one of our family's vehicles. Hopefully I won't be tempted to get out too much and not do my homework. Hmmm...maybe I'll turn into a social butterfly...yeah right! This fall I'm going to be a total hermit when I'm not out checking on my wonderful advisees. Ohh well...such is life.

Well, I'm so excited to see everyone again at LU! I feel so far away from all of my friends...ok, so maybe I am really far away, but that's besides the point. =) Time to sign off and get some sleep...night.

2003-06-11T15:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm home and things have finally settled down. My sister got married May 31st and it was a beautiful wedding with perfect weather! Awww...I am so happy for her and a little jealous. Ohh well, I know that I have a ways to go before I'm ready to make that kind of commitment. There's so much more than I thought that goes into a wedding, too...remind me to elope...it's a whole lot easier and much cheaper!

Ohh, before I forget...Happy Birthday to my old roommate!!!

I got a job waitressing this summer in the afternoons and evenings, and hopefully i can find another job for the mornings. God is answering prayers because it looks like I will have a car fairly soon. I just pray that the one we do buy runs well and is reliable for the next few years until I graduate and get a job.

Boy, do I miss LU! I am so ready to go back. It's not that there's nothing to do here, it's just that none of my friends are here. All my LU peeps are either in TX or their homes and all of my high school friends are either working all day or they stayed at their college for the summer. Kinda stinks, but such is life...I'm surviving on phone calls, emails, and IM chatting but would rather just be there.

I need to get refocused on God. I should use this time away from all of the normal distractions to really grow in Him and pray, but it's just so hard. There are some distractions, though not necessarily bad, that just don't go away and others that are here at home that will always be here. I really want God to be at the center of my life, but it seems like a never-ending battle...like i'm treading water, struggling to keep my head up while all these things of life try to weigh me down. New developments and understandings should allow me to put Him first, but I'm sure temptations will never leave and my earthly longings will try to kick back in...with God's help, I can keep Him first and live for Christ.

Ok...no more slacking for now. Gotta get stuff done before my grandpa's birthday/pizza party tonight. Please pray for him and that whole side of my mom's family for their salvation. Thanks.

2003-05-19T10:34:00.000-05:00

Yay! Only 4 hours of lecture and our fourth test left! That means that I will be out of Texas in at least 32 hours and in Iowa in less than 60 hours! I am sooooo stoked. This has been the longest stretch yet that I have been away from home (almost 5 months) and it really feels like it. There are so many things that I can't wait to see and do when I get back: our new baby colt and all our horses, cats and new kittens, Snickers (our mutt), Cookie (my holstein steer), ohh...hehehe...and my family and friends! I haven't seen my grandparents for about 9 months, so I am super excited to spend time with them. Here's a depressing thought: I'll only have a week and three days left to spend with my sister before that boy takes her away from me forever! Ohh well, I am so happy for her...I just hope that my bridesmaid dress is too big since I was fitted after gorging all christmas break...that would make my day. =) Wow, how's a girl suppose to concentrate at all with all of this anticipation, especially while Dr. Farrell drags on for four hours?!?! Well, I guess I have a few things to finish up before class and I'll have to study all night and tomorrow morning, so I should keep moving. It's been a great semester and summer so far, but I am ready to take a break at home. =)

2003-05-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess it's been long enough. I must say that packing up everything I have here is a major pain, not to mention moving to another building for only two weeks and then packing up to go home. Let's see...summer classes are great for the fact that you can get them out of the way, but it's crazy! There's like four or five nights worth of homework in one night and we have four exams within 10 class times! Ohh well, I'll survive.

My list of stresses, both good and bad:
Getting at least a B in the Book of Acts class...hopefully an A.
I'm so ready to go home, but at the same time I really don't want to leave.
My sister is getting married!!!
I need to work this summer and make some dough.
I'd really like to have a car for this fall, but I'm not sure if that's in God's plans.
I won't see my friends for three months!
This fall semester is going to be so full.
I'm physically drained and have no motivation to do anything.
And the list goes on...

I'm so glad that God loves to do the impossible, because I have so many questions about how all of this will work out and I know that there is no way that I could ever accomplish these things successfully on my own. On the other hand, God has truely blessed me this last semester. There are so many great things that have happened that I couldn't have forseen.

My list of praises...
Loving parents and family supporting me from home.
Friends and relationships that have started and grown.
Safety of everyone.
My missions trip and all that I learned.
Good grades.
Strength and endourance to make it through all of my classes.
An enjoyable job and money from it.
Fun and fellowship with others in intramurals and weekend scrimmages.
A great church.
Down time with friends.
And the list goes on forever...

Well, I think that's enough for now. My mind is swirling with thoughts, worries, and dreams. It's kinda exciting to think that God has this awesome future planned out for me and all I have to do is trust and obey Him. I know that the road won't always be smooth, but He will be there to guide me and it will be better than I could have ever hoped for.

2003-04-26T09:42:00.000-05:00

Living for Jesus, a life that is true,
Striving to please Him in all that I do;
Yielding allegiance, glad hearted and free,
This is the pathway of blessing for me.

O Jesus, Lord and Savior, I give myself to Thee,
For Thou, in Thy atonement, didst give Thyself for me.
I own no other Master, my heart shall be Thy throne.
My life I give, henceforth to live, O Christ, for Thee alone.

2003-04-26T00:33:00.000-05:00

I'm so confused! How are we really suppose to know where God wants us to go? Does he lead us around or do we have free choice? Right now I feel so alone...like I'm in this by myself with no one that understands. Why do You feel so far away, Lord? It's like someone has blown my mind into a million pieces and I am trying to pick up the micro-sized pieces and try to put them back together so that things make sense to me. My heart is trying to lead me in several directions, but my mind is pulling a totally different way. I thought I had things figured out and under control, but God used one email from someone who I haven't spoken to for a long time to remind me that He is in control. I'm so lost...searching for some sort of understanding in this crazy world we live in. Maybe I just need to find out who God is molding me into before trying to include somebody else in life right now. One moment everything seems so right, and the next, so wrong. Why me!?!? (*head banging against wall)

2003-04-21T01:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I haven't written in a while. Things have been going great...or at least they were in my mind. Yet, I wonder if I'm losing focus of God, and maybe it is because I don't feel like I have a reason to need His guidance. But at the same time, I've never felt so confused. What is my purpose? Where is God leading me? Why LeTourneau? My mind is screaming for understanding and my thoughts are swimming constantly through the flow of endless possibilities. Everything is so congested with my thoughts that nothing is getting out...I don't know how to express it! I long to be able to give it all over to God, but my sinful nature desires to attempt to maintain some control for myself.

Return
Written by Phil Joel

Today’s another day
Let’s forget about yesterday
Tomorrow’s another way
To distract us from now

So here we are
The day is young
What will be? What will become?
I’m gonna let You decide
I’ll be me and You be You
Why do I confuse the two?
I gotta swallow my pride

Chorus:
Take my heart
Take it all
I lay my life down at Your feet
‘Cause I want what You want for me
Take my heart
Take it all

Today’s another day
This tomorrow’s yesterday is now
We’re only one breath away
From it all falling down

So, let’s scatter those dreams
The ashes of our own opinions
Here’s to good health
Selfish ambition
Creates our own custom religion
I’m so tired of myself

Here we are the days of young
What will be? What will become?
I’m gonna let You decide
I’ll be me and You be You
Why do I confuse the two?
I gotta swallow my pride

Bring it on
Bring it on
Oh, Lord

I want what You want for me
Whatever it takes
Whatever you want
Bring it on

©2002 Ariose Music/ Near Bliss Music (ASCAP) (All rights administered by EMI Christian Music Publishing) All Rights Reserved. Used By Permission. International Copyright Secured.

After a powerful service at church where God sliced my heart in two, someone turned to me and commented that being a Christian is hard. And, at times, it is; but, I’ve asked for it.

We only have room for a certain amount. Every man has a certain capacity and we fill it up with so much stuff beyond what God wants. And, before we know it, we really don’t know where we are. Scripture defines walking in the flesh vs. walking in the Spirit. Sometimes we come to the end of ourselves and realize we’ve been running down a path for a day or a week or years where we’ve been trying to orchestrate our own lives in accordance with what we think, but when did we actually consult God on the matter? To align our hearts with His can be a painful process but we must cry out and say ‘Bring it On!’ ‘I’m Ready’!

Galatians 5:16-26

(www.philjoel.com)

2003-04-05T09:15:00.000-06:00

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.

I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.

There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.

And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Words and Music: Ira Stanphill

2003-03-31T15:14:00.000-06:00

Colossians 3:2...
"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things."

This is soooo hard to do. If I'm not totally focused on homework, myself, or others, then it seems like my thoughts are always wandering to my future. Instead of leaving it all to God, I am constantly planning and figuring out how things might work out with my classes, jobs, people, etc, etc... Why is it so hard to focus on doing what I am now to the best of my ability in order to glorify God? Grrr...I'm such a girl! =) Why do I get so emotional over things that are really not that important and let my mind wander, creating false expectations and hope? Maybe that's why it's hard to be happy about some stuff--I make plans that aren't God's and then get upset when they don't work out. Placing my future in His hands is not easy, especially when I feel like I'm being led blind through life, not knowing when it will turn or drop off. I guess the key is to "set [my] mind on things above" and just work at living daily for Christ because He is the only sure thing.

2003-03-24T18:16:00.000-06:00

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

2003-03-17T20:15:00.000-06:00

Ahhh...almost forgot! Michael Smalley was an awesome speaker...a little wacked, but lots of fun! =) I took the personality test on his website(go to www.smalley.com to the personality test, fill in the numbers, then hit the red total dot) and here are my results...

47 Steward
47 Navigator
31 Captain
22 Social Director

After looking at the personality interpretations, I think that it fits me pretty well. What do you think? How did you score?

2003-03-17T19:55:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a week! Spring break missions on the beaches of Panama City, FL. It was so much better than I had expected. Each day we spent the afternoons talking and witnessing to students who were there partying for their spring breaks. Also, we usually had two sessions a day with the other 1000 campus crusade college students. These were really great and I learned so much, especially about myself! I'm not going to share all of it at once, or it would take up way too much space, so here's a start...

One of the messages that stuck out the most to me was about zeal. The speaker was talking about our zeal for Christ and how we should be full of love, compassion, and kindness. His question for us was this: Is there anything or anyone that you are more zealous for than Christ? In my case, definitely yes. I focus on so many things that won't matter in eternity, such as fitness and appearances, guys and relationships, homework and grades, and the list goes on and on. God should be the main thing in my life, and yet it seems like I'm always allowing other things to come first. I want to get just as excited about Him and doing His work as when I ace a test or be as motivated about spending time with Him as when I workout. It just seems like a constant battle and I feel discouraged at times--like I can never win--but I know that God loves me despite my failures and that makes me happy.

2003-03-02T00:20:00.000-06:00

Why is life so complicated and confusing? It seems like when there's something that seems so perfect and right, it will never happen. The things I want the most seem so impossible and out of reach. I don't feel like I'm good enough to deserve it. This is me speaking from jealousy--others seem to be able to go after what they want and have a goal while I just slowly stroll along waiting for things to happen on their own. Is it really me trusting God to bring those things I desire into my life in His timing, or am I just lazy? I can't tell. I'm not aggressive towards those things--It's just not me. Why must I be envious of those people who do what maybe I could be doing and then resent them when I really don't even know them as an individual? Why am I so protective of what isn't mine in the first place? Why do I have to feel like I'm competing all the time? I don't want to feel this way constantly, but it is so hard. I have a long ways to go, but with God's help I can do it. I guess I've come to a conclusion: life isn't easy...if it were, we wouldn't need God.

2003-02-18T23:42:00.000-06:00

Ok...I've decided that my man needs a name. But not just any name...something that says "I'm cute, caring, muscular, funny, quiet, a great listener, and well...plastic," but that's beside the point, right? So anywho...if you think of a name, I'd love to hear it! I'll let ya know which one I pick. Maybe there will be a prize...not sure what that might be, but I'll think about it. On your marks....get set....GO!!!

2003-02-16T20:12:00.000-06:00

Today was a wonderful day! My parents called me right before church to sing happy birthday to me. They were snowed in...I'm green with envy! My mom said that my sister Rachel and her fiance were there making pancakes, my little sister Deana and her boyfriend were cooking something else, and my parents were enjoying watching. =) They were probably going to play games together and relax. Wow...it makes me miss my family!

Church was such a blessing this morning. God really assured me that He will use me in Panama City over spring break. Our guest speaker addressed the fact that many christians are just comfortable with sticking to themselves, praying, and saying that non-christians don't want to change or hear about God. He said that the harvest is ripe...people are longing for someone to care enough to ask how they are doing and just listen. This, he said, can be the best way of witnessing to them. It was so encouraging to hear--I want to be able to impact those that I come in contact with on the beach and hopefully at least make them question their ways and consider what I tell them.

Lastly, I just want to thank all my friends for everying. You all are such a blessing to me and I love you all soooo much! I really want to get to know all of you even more--everyone is so unique and wonderful in their own ways...it will probably take a while. Well, I'm glad that this is where God has me and I thank Him for it everyday. It's amazing how He works things out, even when I am doubting His purpose. God is so faithful to me...I just have to remember this and keep trusting Him.

Ohh yeah...I finally have a man, thanks to my roommate. He doen't really say anything, but at least he's built, he's always smiling, and came with sun glasses. Okay, so his hair's kind of stiff, he's not very tall, I weight a lot more than him, he only owns one pair of shorts, but beggers can't be choosers...right?!?!

2003-02-15T01:13:00.000-06:00

One thing that has been bothering me is the fact that some boys like to drool over girls on tv, in magazines, or in movies...and it doesn't bug me too much when they do it in front of me, but then there's that voice that says, "if you looked like that, you would be beautiful too and boys would like you." I know that God made me perfect just the way I am, but it's hard to remember that when we are constantly bombarded with images of super thin models and actresses. Then when guys say "she's hot" and drool all over them, maybe they don't realize this, but it makes girls that are healthy and perfect as they are feel horrible. (I know this it a little late, but...) I totally agreed with that guy in chapel who talked about this. I realize that I am probably not the only girl struggling with self image, but sometimes I am so self conscious and I constantly compare myself to others. Why can't I ever seem to be content with myself? It's a never ending battle with myself to feel comfortable with how I look. I'm just not sure if guys realize how much they can impact a girl's self esteem with a few small comments...

2003-02-09T21:48:00.000-06:00

Yay...Sarah rocks! She helped me get it set up to let my huge audience make comments on my silly blogs. Guess I haven't blogged for a while, and since I have time I think I will tonight...

Valentine's day can be depressing. It's not that I want a significant other and this holiday makes me feel left out, but it brings back memories of those I cared a lot about...and still do. Is it so wrong to wish things hadn't changed? I know God had a purpose in it, but it seemed so right. Maybe I need to let go, but that is very, very hard to do. A part of me wants to, but then I feel guilty when I even consider others...like I'm betraying him. And it's hard though because since then, I've realized that he raised my standards in guys. I compair everyone to him, and in some ways it's good because he's a great christian guy, but at the same time it's unfair to others. I wonder if I expect too much, or if I should keep my standards so high. There are so many guys with their own unique qualities that I think are wonderful, but I feel horrible always looking at them compared to my standards. Is this wrong? Why is this all so hard? I guess it's just part of life...

2003-02-01T00:03:00.000-06:00

THE WEEKEND!!! Finally...this week took forever and I have so much to do within the next three weeks! I'm going to have to really rely on God for the strength and endurance to make it through the next couple of weeks. I know that I can't do this on my own. Sleep helps, so I should go to bed now. This way I can get up, run, shower, and get some studying done soccer. Good night!

2003-01-29T00:02:00.000-06:00

GRRRRR....this is the third time to write this! I keep pressing the wrong things or getting errors. Guess I just need more practice. Okay, the last blog I wrote was a good one, but nooo...it has to disappear and I have to start over! AAhhhh... Ok, I'm done venting. God is so wonderful and faithful! He totally answered my prayers and then I had a wonderful day today. Maybe it was the weight gone from my shoulders and the fact that I was honest, even though it was soooooo hard to do. I hate this kind of stuff--it's so complicated. I just hope I didn't do any permanent damage and/or ruin a great friendship. Well, my pillow is still calling...ZZZzzz

2003-01-25T13:25:00.000-06:00

Ok, so this is starting to look like fun. Maybe it's because I can avoid homework and post my semi-intelligent observations about life. Ya know...the one thing that is so hard for me is giving control of my life over to God. Deep down I know that He knows best, but a small part of me (the control-freak part) wants to be able to have a say in what goes on. Recently I've been praying for God's direction in a certain area, but it's so hard when the way that He is revealing to me isn't what would be the easiest or most enjoyable. Grrrr...why me? I guess I'll just have to do what He impresses on me that is the right way to go, but it won't be so fun initially...I know that in the end His plan for me will be a gazillion times better than what I can think of, but it's all a matter of faith and lots o' patience. Well, I'm outtie...homework calls.

2003-01-23T23:50:00.000-06:00

Inspired by a way cool person...
Hmmm...what to say...somebody once said that blogging is the greatest thing. I guess I'll just have to try it out. Maybe this will be theraputic or let me vent since my life is soooo dramatic. Okay, it's way too late for me so I'll just have to write more later if I can think of anything. I think my brain shuts down after 11:30. Ohh, well...good night.